Being In Aloneness

(original writing – 10/05/08)

Over the last six months, or so, I have been under the tuteledge of an amazing spiritual facilitator. Through out my studies, the “I” have been stripped away, melted down, and slowly built in to a new being. Interestingly enough, even my appearance has changed (again) to incorporate the newness of the being created within.

Many exciting adventures and discoveries have taken place; and, even in the midst of this instruction, many other teachers have crossed my path.My spiritual mentor has given me the space to learn the following:

1)I am my own greatest guru and the One Source (God/dess, Universe, Spirit) supports us all.

I have seen, and have done myself, many seeking the newest technology, religion, relationship,spiritual practice or latest diet, to find the peace and agility in our heart we so desire to find. Throughout my studies in many religions and levels of spirituality, I find that each follower is looking for something ~ and a lot of the times, it is looking for “it” outside of ourselves.

One of the greatest “guru”s I have met, Za Rinpoche, said, “As you sit before me and think I am some great guru, you must realize, that I am a simple man. And really…as you sit before me-you sit before yourself.”

This, for me, has been and is the ultimate surrender~honoring myself as the same energy as those who I have deemed to be “more” spiritual than me. To God/Source, we are already perfect; we are already love, we are already infinitely beautiful and cherished.

2)Being in Aloneness is not the same as feeling Lonely.

I have struggled with this my whole life~and if you believe in past lives, I have been told I have struggled with this for centuries. Regardless of what my past lives might have been, I only know this present life for sure. I have made many decisions based on the survival instinct of not being alone ~ which really broke down to loneliness.

I cannot count the number of times, I was left alone and abandoned. I also have a sister and brother who felt this abandonment. For me, being left alone with my siblings, made me move into survival. Remembering a specific time of being abandoned, I swore on the ninth, cement block step ~in front of some old lady’s house~ that I would never be alone, and never experience this again, and I would never give anyone the opportunity to do that to me. (Yes, I know it’s cliche but I had abandonment issues! lol)

And…as luck would have it~ I lived up to that expectation. I always left so that they could not leave me. This included friendships, relationships, jobs, etc. I realized it was about the fear of being lonely rather than the fear of being alone.

God/Source began to remove many people in my life – at first it was very slow, but when I got deeper into meditation, prayer and honoring myself ~ the ‘removal’ process progressed in lighting speed. Even semi-walls were created so that I could face my aloneness.

My aloneness.

Yes, loved readers, I still had friends and family around me, encouraging me, loving me unconditionally. But in my aloneness, I saw…

something even greater.

Me.

Being present in my aloneness meant I meditated and prayed more often. I created safe spaces so that those who desired to stay in my life would know the genuiness in my love for them. Being in my aloneness meant I stop to listen. Being in my aloneness means knowing…

that I am not by myself.

that even if there were no physical bodies around me in my life

I am still present

and so is God/Source.